Je n'en avais pas parlé de la tuerie à Dawson. Pas parce que ça ne me touchait pas, non. Plutôt parce que je ne savais pas trop quoi dire, Tout avait déjà été dit, à mon avis. Quelques semaines plus tard, je tombe sur ceci.. Un bouquin qu'Amoureux me disait de lire depuis trop longtemps et que je viens tout juste de commencer.. Je ne peux pas vous dire pour le livre au complet, puisque je ne l'ai pas encore terminé, mais ce petit extrait m'a jetée par terre..
What's hardest here is that I simply can't believe this is happening. Why do You make certain kinds of events feel real, but not others? Do You have a name for this? And could You please make all of this feel real?
As I was saying, silence.
In the first few moments of the attack, I remember briefly seeing a patch of sky out the window and I remembered how crisp and clean the day was.
Then one of the boys shot his gun in that direction and stemmed the exodus. I know nothing about guns. Whatever they were, they were powerful, and when they cocked them, it sounded industrial, like a machine stamping something flat.
Under the tables we all dove - thumpa-thumpa-thump.
Don't shoot at me - I'm not making any noise! Look! Look at How! Quiet! I'm! Being!
Shoot someone else over there! Shoot me? No! Way!
I could have stood up, shouted and caused a diversion and saved a hundred people, or organized the lifting of our table to create a shield to ram into the gunmen. But I sat there like a meek little sheep and it's the only thing I've ever done that disgusts me. Silence was my sin. I sinned as I cowered and watched three pairs of ocher-colored work boots tromp about the room, toying with us as though we were bacteria under a magnifying lens.
I recognized all of the boys - working on the on the yearbook is good for that kind of thing. There was Mitchell Van Waters, I remembered seeing him down in the smoke hole by the parking lot with his fellow eleventh-grade gunmen, Jeremy Kyriakis and Duncan Boyle.
I watched Mitchell, Jeremy and Duncan walk from table to table. Take away the combat fatigues and they looked like the kid who mows your lawn or shoots hoops in the driveway next door. There was nothing physically interesting about them except Mitchell was pretty skinny and Duncan had a small port-wine birthmark inside his hairline - I knew about this only because we'd been looking at photos as part of paste-up and layout during class.
As the three walked from table to table, they talked among themselves - most of what they said I couldn't make out. Some tables they shot at; some they didn't. As the boys came nearer to us, Lauren pretended to be dead, eyes open, body limp, and I wanted to smack her, but I was just mad at myself, perhaps more than anything for being afraid. It had been drilled into us that to feel fear is to not fully trust God. Whoever made that one up has never been beneath a cafeteria table with a tiny thread of someone else's blood trickling onto their leg."
Douglas Coupland, Hey Nostradamus!, Random House Canada, 2003, p.18